The Colbert Report in the Firefly 'Verse
by MariusIoannesP
Summary: FireflyThe Colbert Report Crossover. Based on what it would be like if the Alliance had balls. Note: I recently changed the format to a story. Please read and review.


I had to change to format of the fanfiction to story because a certain reviewer pestered me about a technicality. The story remains the same except I decided to change a name.

The Colbert Report in the Firefly 'Verse 2

Stephen Colbert sits at his desk in The Colbert Report Studio. The caption reads: "Miranda: Truthiness or False".

"Tonight, I discuss whether or not a certain Reaver-related secret wave is true or false. I'll give you a hint. It's not true." Stephen faces a different direction and the caption reads: "Mud People". "Next, I find out more about that moon where the GDP is mud." Stephen faces a different direction and the caption reads: "The Harrow-ing of Persephone". "Then, I interview Sir Warrick Harrow and see if he's taken money from anyone he shouldn't have." Stephen faces another direction. "Forget your protein; I'm going to feed you something more nutritious." Stephen points ahead with his finger, "The truth. This is The Colbert Report"

Theme song and opening sequence begin with the majestic flying golden eagle then cuts to Stephen waving the five-striped, red, white, blue, and yellow-starred Alliance flag, Stephen taking off his glasses, a list of words with Stephen standing next to the last word, "Mega-Alliance-y", Stephen looking downwards with open arms, Stephen standing on a map of the 'Verse colored like the Alliance flag, and finally the show's red, white, blue, and yellow-starred title with the golden eagle in the "C" and a golden eagle swooping before it.

Back in The Colbert Report studio, Stephen is facing the stage center and the screen on his desk plays footage of a landing golden eagle and then changes to the show's title. Stephen momentarily basks in the applause of the audience.

"Thank you, Alliance citizens. Welcome to the Colbert Report. It's a beautiful spring day here in Lu Ye Cheng on Greenleaf. This type of weather always makes me glad I don't live where you do. Jimmy, show them how beautiful it looks out there." A clip is shown of a street lined on both sides by trees filled with green leaves with the faint sound of birds chirping.

"There we go. That's what I'm talking about," Stephen's voiceover claims. Stephen continues back at his desk.

"Of course, it does get cold but I usually spend the winters at my estate on Bellerophon. Jimmy, show them what it looks like." An image of a floating island on Bellerophon is shown. "I have the highest security because I like to walk around there naked," Stephen's voiceover claims once more. Stephen continues back at his desk.

"I definitely don't want anyone getting a picture of that to blackmail me with," Stephen asserts while pointing with his pen. "It seems that everyday our Allied government is being assaulted by Independent-sympathizers. The President is still being criticized for allowing federal marshals to conduct warrant-less telefonix tapping. Well get over it. The Alliance can do whatever it gorram pleases to keep the peace they fought a war for. Even worse is a supposed secret wave that has been floating around the bloggospheres of the cortex." The clip from Miranda is played.

"These are just a few of the images we recorded," the woman in the clip asserts. Four pictures of dead bodies are at the bottom of the screen. Stephen continues from his desk once more.

"The clip blames the Alliance for the creation of the legendary Reavers, which according to inbred outer rim settlers, rape you to death, eat your flesh, and sew your skin into their clothing, and if your very lucky, they do it in that order. I have only one thing to say about this and it's tonight's Word," The blue "The Word" board comes up with a map of the 'Verse swaying to the right at its bottom with a row of stars, "Miranda." **Miranda **appears on the Word board. "According to the wave, the planet Miranda was birthplace of the Reavers. I've never heard of a planet named Miranda."

**He has heard of a woman named Charlene **replaces **Miranda** on the Board.

"The wave goes on to explain that a drug called Pax was released into the planet's atmosphere during terraforming."

**Is that like Ambien? **

"This 'Pax'," Stephen does air quotes, "Supposedly causes 99.9 percent of people to die from laziness…"

**That's why it's a deadly sin**

"…And 0.1 percent to become cannibalistic space pirates."

**Yet it doesn't cause you to eat in your sleep**

"What kind of scary drug is just called "The Pax"?

**The kind that turns you into cannibalistic space pirates **

"The worst part is that these blame-the-Alliance-firsters blame the Alliance for causing this disaster and covering it up."

**They can't figure out how to blame Michael Brown yet**

"This has all the makings of a grand hoax."

**Like evolution**

"Why would the Alliance lie to us?"

**To hide illegal telefonix tapping and federal marshal black sites**

"This wave is flawed in a major way: it insists that Reavers exist."

**Sure they do**

"Reavers don't exist."

**They don't?**

"History is filled with legends of cannibals. On Earth-That-Was, there were legends of Wendigos…"

**The Reavers of North America**

"…Ghouls…"

**The Reavers of Arabia**

"And Dr. Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter."

**The Reaver of "The Silence of the Lambs"**

"Reavers are just the latest in mankind's long fascination with cannibalism."

**Eating people equals interesting**

"Today, it's Reavers, tomorrow outer rim settlers will swear they've been attacked by, I don't know, humanoid robots."

**Cylons?**

"No, I don't think so," Stephen seems to say to the Board.

**Right, that's _Battlestar Galactica_**

"Either way, all this talk of Reavers is decreasing the morale of Alliance citizens. We need to fully support the Alliance so they can focus on stopping the rampant criminal activities of not only the outer rim but, the border worlds as well."

**You wouldn't think there was crime there**

"And maybe take down the morally-corrupt Companion Guild."

**You wouldn't think that whores are held in such high esteem**

"So, I'm going to make this very clear."

**Take notes**

"The Alliance doesn't lie to us, Reavers don't exist, and they didn't come from Miranda." **Miranda** reappears on the Board.

"And that's the word. We'll be right back." The Word board disappears. There's a pull out and cut to commercials.

The show returns and, Stephen is sitting facing the stage left.

"Welcome, back," Stephen begins. "The Alliance is supposed to protect us from all that we fear, but not right now. It's time for the Threat Down." The Threat Down graphic appears. Stephen returns with the number five in the Threat Down box to his left.

"Threat Number Five: Independents," The five changes to a group of men in brown coats with a caption reading: "Independents!" "Even though the Alliance clearly won the war, the remaining Independents are apparently sore losers. Look hard, they're still around you. Anyone wearing a brown coat, no matter how nice it looks, is most likely an Independent. Every Independent that lives constitutes a serious threat against the Alliance. There is only one logical solution for this problem. Each one of these cowardly, inbred pizzpots should be killed off of every world spinning. The only good Independent is a dead Independent." The number four replaces the previous image.

"Threat Number Four: Hospitals," The number four changes to an image of a group of doctors with the caption reading: "Hospitals!" "Specifically St. Lucy's Hospital on Ariel. A couple of months ago, the hospital lost track of a large number of their medical supplies. Although St. Lucy's Hospital is a government run facility and was restocked in a matter of hours, I think that they should be keeping better track of their supplies. I have a feeling that these supplies were stolen to be sold on the black market. St. Lucy's should learn to guard their medical supplies so they don't end up feeding the habit of border world baron with a lust for young girls." The number three appears.

"Threat Number Three: Companions," An image of a Companion replaces the three with the caption reading: "Companions!" "Unfortunately, the Alliance allows the Companion Guild to exist because they made laws to protect 'freedom of religious expression,'" Stephen does air quotes. "Since the Companion Guild believes they can come in contact with the divine through their tantric practices. I think the moral standards of the Alliance are more important than something irrelevant like 'freedom of religious expression.' I hope that the members of the Alliance Parliament will realize the only error in their ways and redeem themselves by dissolving the accursed Companion Guild." The number two appears.

"Threat Number Two: Reavers," The two is replaced by a blurred image of a Reaver with the caption reading: "Reavers!" "Now just because Reavers appear on the Threat Down doesn't mean they exist. The very thought that Reavers exist constitutes a threat against the Alliance. Recently, an attack on a town on Lilac was blamed on Reavers." The image of the Reaver is replaced by that of a lilac-colored world. "It just so happens that the payments for Lilac's local private defense contractors went missing in the attack. Now the last time I heard about Reavers, they didn't steal money. It's obvious that criminals robbed the money and torched the town to make it _appear_ as though Reavers attacked. The legend of Reavers makes it easy for criminals to deceive people and wreak havoc." Stephen pounds his desk for emphasis. "The Alliance must do something about this." Stephen then rubs the bottom of his hand. "That hurt." The number one appears.

"And now, the Number One Threat to the Alliance: Bears!" The number one is replaced by a moving image of a fiercely growling grizzly bear the caption reading: "Bears!" "Yes, bears! These monstrous, Godless, killing machines love nothing more that to wreak death and destruction. These monsters should have died along with Earth-That-Was but, the environmentalistas saved them with the argument that Earth-type ecosystems would not be successful without bears. Well, the only ecosystem worth living in is one without bears. Bears stand for everything the Alliance doesn't. Some brigades of Independents were even symbolized by the bear. And that folks is the Threat Down." The Threat Down box disappears and Stephen turns to face the stage right so that the flat screen with the show's title on is right behind him.

"And now for something completely different. It's important to know all the planets, moons, and various little….things that float around in the black and make up the Alliance so we know which ones not to carpet bomb when they're infested by Brown Coats." A light blue map of the Alliance with various planets, moons, and planetoids colored gold appears on the flat screen. "That's why it's now time for the fourteenth installment of our more than seventy part series, Better Know a Planet." Suddenly there is a larger representation of the map. One of the blue worlds in the outer rim expands into a dry Earth-like globe.

"Tonight- the Higgins' Moon, the Fighting Higgins'," Stephen's voiceover declares. Then, there is a picture of a large gas giant. "The Higgins' Moon is an outer rim moon that orbits the planet Heinlein so far out there in the black that it's insignificant." Then it changes a picture of mudders on a mud farm. "The Higgins' moon is best known for their major or rather only product…" It is replaced by a picture of mud. "Mud. You'd be surprised how many things it ends up in," There is a picture of an Alliance cruiser, "From spaceships," It changes to a picture of a ceramic mug filled with a frothy drink, "To the Higgins' Moon's traditional mudders' milk." It's replaced by a picture of Canton. "The Higgins' Moon's largest community of mud farmers, known as "mudders" is located at Canton, the moon's capital, where they don't allow guns." The Alliance flag quickly waves across the picture and returns to Stephen. A picture of several well-dressed people replaces the map on the flat screen.

"The Higgins' Moon was founded by the Higgins family, members of which have served as its magistrates and Members of Parliament to the present day; including its current Magistrate," A picture of Magistrate Higgins replaces the previous image on the flat screen, "Magistrate... Higgins. I was able to speak with Mr. Higgins at his office on the Higgins' Moon."

The interview begins. Stephen, with a pen and stapled sheets of paper, is sitting in a chair facing Magistrate Higgins also sitting inside a brown office with a window in the background.

"Magistrate Higgins, thank you for agreeing to speak with me," Stephen begins.

"You're welcome," Higgins replies.

"You're in charge of a ball of mud," Stephen states.

"It's more than a ball of mud," Higgins begins, "Technically. Balls of mud don't just float around in the black."

"If you say so; No one is allowed to carry firearms in the town of Canton."

"No, they're not," Higgins answers.

"Why is that?" Stephen asks.

"It's mostly for the safety of public officials."

"People like you."

"Yes," Higgins responds.

"Isn't that kind of selfish?" Stephen fires back. Higgins seems dumbstruck. "Gun control is very un-Alliance."

"It's technically not gun control if there are no guns to control."

"But you love the Alliance."

"Very much so," Higgins insists.

"Then why ban guns if you love the Alliance so much. Do you love yourself more than the Alliance?" Stephen demands. "Jesus did say to love the Alliance as you love yourself."

"Didn't he say to love _your neighbors_ as you love yourself?" Higgins replies confused.

"The Alliance is your neighbors and don't avoid the question at hand."

"Canton is populated mostly by mudders and I don't think that it would be wise if they were armed."

"But it isn't wise if they're unarmed when Independents attack." Higgins is even more confused by this statement.

"Why would Independents attack?" Stephen points at Higgins with pen.

"They're still out there and they still pose a threat. Or worse, Canton could be attacked by a bear army."

"Bear army?" Higgins responds completely dumbfounded.

"They're Godless killing machines." Higgins is still dumbfounded. Stephen changes the subject. "Okay, speaking about mudders, which are perfect bear food, you're known to support reducing the rights of the mudders," Higgins nods, "As God intended it. I still think they should be able to own guns that way they'll kill each other and you won't have to pay them anymore."

"Then, I won't have any workers left," Higgins answers.

"You could always get slaves for half the price and you don't have to pay them. I already own several slaves, but don't tell anyone about that. Anyway, you have one son, Fess Higgins, which you're obviously grooming to follow in your footsteps," Higgins nods again, "Because you're practically part of a dynasty. There are many rumors surrounding your son."

"All are unsubstantiated and untrue."

"Is it true that he never bedded a woman until he was 26-years-old and, it was with a Companion, which is un-Alliance?"

"Companions are not un-Alliance because the Alliance supports them," Higgins begins, "And that's private information that I will not disclose."

"How old were you when you first bedded a woman?"

"That's also private."

"You were thirty, weren't you? You were a 30-year-old virgin."

"No, I wasn't," Higgins answers back angrily.

"I thought it was private. You answered, 'No'. I just nailed you. Is it true that your son took money from Jack Abramoff?"

"Who is that?" Higgins replies really confused.

"Did you take money from him?"

"I don't even know who that is!" Higgins screams.

"Does your son know who he is?"

"Of course he does not."

"Final question; The Unification War: a great war or the _greatest_ war?" Higgins thinks about it for a while.

"I think it might have been the greatest war." Stephen shakes hands with Higgins.

"Thank you for your time Magistrate. I hope we can do this again sometime." The Alliance flag waves and Stephen returns at his desk with the blue map of the Alliance on the flat screen.

"Okay, let's put the Higgins' Moon on the big board." Stephen turns to look at the board. The Higgins' Moon on the map sparkles and turns gold. Stephen turns back around. "It's getting pretty crowded on the board. We'll be right back." There's a pull out, and cut to commercials.

The show's title appears and Stephen returns sitting at his desk facing the stage center.

"My guest tonight is Persephone's premier Law Lord. Please welcome Sir Warrick Harrow." As the audience cheers, Stephen runs with his arms in the air across the side of the stage towards the interviewing room where Sir Warrick Harrow sits on the left side of the table and Stephen's chair is on the right side of the table. There is a fake fireplace behind Stephen's chair and a portrait of Stephen standing next to another portrait of Stephen. Stephen stops by his chair and momentarily basks in the audience's attention. Stephen then quickly sits down in his chair. He speaks to Harrow. "Mr. Harrow, thank you for agreeing to speak to me.

"Sir," Harrow corrects Stephen.

"Thank you," Stephen replies.

"No, it's Sir Harrow."

"Why?" Stephen asks.

"The sash; It indicates lordship," Harrow explains.

"Okay then, how would you describe your job so far on Persephone?"

"I believe that I'm doing a fairly decent job."

"How do you explain the rampant crime, then?"

"There is crime, but I don't believe it's rampant."

"Have you ever been bribed by any criminals?"

"No, I haven't."

"Do you know a man by the name of Badger?"

"I've heard of him and, I think he's a psychotic low-life."

"Have you ever taken money from Badger?"

"No," Harrow answers.

"Have you ever taken money from Jack Abramoff?"

"I don't even know who that is." Harrow replies confused. Stephen points at him with his pen.

"A lot of people don't know who he is." Stephen returns the pen to the table. You've been known to criticize the President over a number of issues, especially over interplanetary tariffs."

"I just believe that the tariffs are a bit unfair to commercial shippers," Harrow begins. "I believe he's wrong on a number of issues."

"If you feel this way, how did you get lord-ed?"

"Despite our difference of opinions, he thought I was a good judge."

"You bribed him, didn't you?"

"No, I didn't."

"You bribed him with money Badger gave you."

"Badger never gave me money!" Harrow denies angrily. Stephen changes the subject.

"You attended a ball a couple of months ago that was apparently the last public appearance of Atherton Wing. You never liked Mr. Wing, did you?"

"He never rubbed me the right way."

"Did you have him killed?"

"No," Harrow answers flatly.

"Did Jack Abramoff kill him?"

"Who is this Jack Abramoff?" Harrow demands irritated.

"I don't know," Stephen remarks nonchalantly. "Did you take money from him?"

"How can I take money from someone who doesn't exist?" Harrow replies, still irritated by this incessant question.

"Okay, last thing, William Tarquin: great President or the _greatest_ President?" Harrow thinks about it for a minute.

"Well, as the first President of Government of the united system, it's difficult to compare."

"I'll put you down for great." Stephen puts out his hand to Sir Harrow and they shake hands. "Sir Harrow, it was a pleasure to interview you; hope to see you again sometime."

"Likewise," Harrow replies. Stephen turns to the stage center.

"We'll be right back." There's a pull out, and cut to commercials.

The show returns with Stephen is sitting at his desk facing the stage center.

"Before we go, I'd like to show everyone The Craziest Rutting Thing I've Ever Seen." The Craziest Rutting Thing I've Ever Seen graphic plays and Stephen returns. "The Fruity Oat Bar commercial," Stephen states at the top of his lungs. A clip of the Fruity Oat Bar commercial is played. The commercial finishes and Stephen returns. "It doesn't even show what a Fruity Oat Bar is. And that's why it's The Craziest Rutting Thing I've ever seen." The Craziest Rutting Thing I've Ever Seen graphic plays again and Stephen returns once more. "That's all for tonight and remember," Stephen points ahead, "Chinese is elitist; good night Alliance." There is a pull out and the credits roll with the golden eagle flying next to it.


End file.
